The morning’s festivities have settled down and due to a few changes in my family’s traditions, I’m in a lull until later this afternoon, when we’ll be traveling.
I did a quick round on the net, checking my usual places (see “Shotgun’s Daily Reading”). All’s quiet on the battle front. Not seeing anything interesting, I started thinking about my growth over the past few years as reflected in this blog and figured I’d write a word or two about it.
When I began writing here, it was supposed to be a place for all my extensive work in Christian apologetics. I was engaged in multiple venues across the digital world, and I needed a home-base of sorts, to stash my article-length posts. I was incredibly naive back then, as any of you folks will know if you take the time to read my earliest writings. When I started blogging, I could accurately have been called a neo-conservative fundamentalist Evangelical.
All that faux-religion didn’t manage to ruin me completely though. I had, deep down, a love of the old stories my grandfather used to tell. I had a romantic view of the old Europe that C.S. Lewis and Tolkien wrote about. Those two authors are mightily abused by pop-culture today, but still, there was enough there to act as a starter drug for me.
There was a trend in my apologetics that I remember. Snide atheists would bring up things like slavery and how evil whites had treated the negros in history, and use these to brow-beat me, hoping I would admit that Christianity was evil. This is a common tactic even today, among the God-haters. “How can you believe in a God that would allow slavery?” they might ask, taking a politically correct ethic for granted.
Without thinking, I would regurgitate what I had imbibed from pop-Chrisitendom: “Oh, that slavery in the Old Testament doesn’t apply today.” Or “you know, as Christians, we really love black people and want to see the best for them!”
This poison was in the early stages of attack on my European immune system. There were two things holding it in check, though. 1: The daydreams I had about the sort of place my grandfather told us about. He was one of the last members of the pre-industrialized, white South. He remembered hearing stories about the South from actual slaves and from people who actually lived during the War.
The second was my actual experience with the negros, which was brutal; a daily humiliation. After growing in my understanding of the world, I was able to look back on what happened and reflect on it some (See “Billy vs the Negro”).
After attending a conference on apologetics, I learned about Presuppositional methodology, and eventually learned of Dr. Bahnsen and Cornelius Van Til. I began reading ferociously.
Around the same time, it was my habit to go to the country (on one of the barrier islands of North Carolina) to a state-sponsored scenic-overlook which provided an incredible view of the ocean. It was secluded and few people ever went there. I made it my place to pray. I was there often. On one occasion, I was praying about a run of dark providence. I stopped mid-prayer, my conscience heavy with the idea that God would never hear the prayers of someone like me. I was far too sinful.
I had this superstition that the only way I could pray was if I first lived right for a few days and got myself spiritually situated such that God would hear me. I began to despair because I realized I’d never be able to pull myself up by the bootstraps enough to be in such a state where God would hear me. But, then a thought struck me: “wasn’t it true that I couldn’t EVER get good enough for God? Isn’t that what I’ve heard said over and over? That God was far too holy for any human?”
This realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and directly on its heals came another: “This is why Jesus came to die!” It didn’t register at first … then like lightening I was filled with a feeling of so much grace and relief that my eyes teared up. My burdens were lifted. I realized that far from being my doom and despair, the fact that I could do nothing at all for Him – that I was weak before Him – is what made me strong! It was the very essence of my salvation! Jesus Christ was good enough! He was good enough for God, and it was through Him, and His righteousness that I was saved, and it was through Him that I was able to speak to God!
I became a Calvinist then and there, though it would be weeks before I realized it.
This change, I’m sure, is reflected in my blog, though I can’t find the exact spot when my writings went from being Evangelical to Reformed. It likely took a long time to self-consciously filter into my blog. Nevertheless, the changes did come. Also, I didn’t realize it, but the more I studied Presuppositionalism, the more I realized it was a uniquely Calvinist enterprise.
Through the blog “First Word” I was introduced to Calvinists who not only were incredible Christian apologists, but they also stood up for the white race, and specifically the South! This was so shocking to me that I had to take note! Remembering my Grandfather and my love for the South, I began reading everything I possibly could from this perspective.
Eventually, someone posted a link to “Cambria Will Not Yield” and once I read that blog, my fate was sealed. To this day, the writings there resonate with me like no other and have literally changed my life.
I learned that the word “Kinism” described my view point, and ever since I have written as a Kinist.
I have never really changed. Deep down, I’m the same person now I was when born: I’ve just learned to articulate myself a lot better, and I’ve learned how to tie together the particulars of my worldview. I don’t think I’ll ever change, (I’ll always be a Kinist), but I do foresee more discoveries, subtle changes, and corrections in how to express myself.
The future will be exciting. I plan on narrowing the scope of my intellectual work, focusing more on the transhumanist movement specifically, as well as fleshing out my philosophical work in the area of the problem of personality and identity (these things, when understood from a consistently Christian viewpoint will be a vital aspect of Kinism in the future).
Also, I hope to focus much more on my fiction and poetry and songs. I dream of having a book published. Who knows?
Anyway, thank you all, dear readers, for following this long, convoluted path and wherever I end up, I hope you know that I love God and I love my people, and in the end, showing love for the one is likely the only way to show love to the other.
Soli Deo Gloria