I’ll begin this sad post with a personal admission:
I am close to tears as I write this. I am humiliated for having referred to Matthew Heimbach as a “goth”. I’m not ashamed for saying it, but for having said it with only half my heart, while deep down, and in light of many personal hours of friendship with the man, knowing he wasn’t; knowing he and I were animated by very different spirits. Ashamed for overlooking my (usually accurate) reading of men and naively placing hope and friendship in someone who, in hindsight, lacked fundamental Christian character.
Have you ever made this blunder, readers? Have you ever given a man friendship, brought him into your circle of trust, only to find he was an imposter? A centipede in the heart of a ripe apple? I’ve publicly defended this man. I’ve put my reputation on the line for his sake. I’ve spoken highly of him to close friends and gotten into heated arguments with my parents for his sake. We were brothers! We were literally in trenches together! And now?
For those who don’t know, Matthew Heimbach has recently resurfaced in the media for having renounced his “white nationalism” and pledging allegiance (in more or less words) to the cause of left-wing “anti-racists.”
I try not to be overly hard on men. God knows I need forgiveness for personal failings more so than most. So I overlooked the drinking, the womanizing, the little breaches of propriety. Then came the fateful “night of the wrong wives” which turned into a circus in the national media. Heimbach was caught in a very public act of adultery and slunk off to the shadows to recover. At last, he’d offended in a way I couldn’t ignore. Nevertheless, I was still willing to be his friend, at least, at a distance…still willing to defend him publicly. He’s not the first man to have fallen to that temptation, however awful and hypocritical. I hoped that, over time, I could be a mitigating salve from a distance. I pictured us meeting up again in a few years, having drinks, being supportive…
…but, I suppose I did abandon him then and maybe, if he reads this humble post, he’d be right to feel like I’m disingenuous in talking about our friendship. Some friend, right? And yet, for a man to find forgiveness, he ought to at least be penitent…
I first met Heimbach in a hotel bathroom at a Council of Conservative Citizens conference. Gordon Baum was still alive and the pro-white movement was just beginning to emerge into the online world. He was wearing boots and jeans with some Dixie-Outfitters style t-shirt…this, at a conference where most were wearing suits. We were washing our hands together and I said something about having been to Towson recently and having seen someone writing racist messages all over the sidewalk in chalk. He laughed and we hit it off, palling around at the conference.
I remember him getting into a debate with an old man, must have been in his seventies, about how the Republican party was no longer watching out for white interests. The old man couldn’t understand the anger towards established conservatism. This was to be a continuing theme for Heimbach who grew more and more extreme in his rhetoric as the years passed, culminating in his “Death to America” college tour.
…and despite all appearances to the contrary, Heimbach’s recent “move” is no real shift. I’ve watched his recent “Light Upon Light” video confessional many times over the past few days and have heard nothing at all different from his typical rhetoric. Heimbach hasn’t changed, at all.
For those reading who may not believe me, know I went with Heimbach to Charleston SC, days after the infamous Dylan Roof church shooting. We placed wreaths on the church steps and Heimbach gave an on site media interview, lamenting Roof’s violence and wishing for a world without the dehumanizing socio-economic elements that generated it. He was excited the entire trip about his upcoming sit-down interview with a member of the black panthers, whose rally we attended that same day. That was the day I snuck behind the speakers and got one of their black panther flags. I was parading it around behind them all in mockery. (For anyone who doubts this story, there are pictures). I had intended to run off with it and burn the thing, but Heimbach stopped me. He was dedicated to his racial harmony ideas, even back then…although, I didn’t understand or appreciate them then, nor do I now. Despite their incessantly anti-white and violent language, not one of the black panthers nor any of the blacks in the crowd threatened us in anyway. It was only after they marched off that a group of ANTIFA white kids from the local university came trouncing up, shouting and calling us “racists.” Heimbach, even then, berated them, essentially, for not being true-believers in their racial ideals, berated them for not marching off with the black panthers and joining them in solidarity…
So Heimbach hasn’t changed, at all. He’s simply emphasizing parts of his ideology he hopes, presumably, will be more palatable to his fellow radical leftists. And to all the Alt. Right hangers-on reading this: he’s not alone. In fact, in typical Heimbach fashion, he’s actually out in front of every Dissident Right talking head, all of whom are moving in the exact same, “radical left” direction. Matt Parrott, for example, is on Twitter, openly claiming to be a “radical leftist” (his words), and Richard Spencer, in a recent YouTube livestream, openly calls for use of the word “racist” to describe us backwards whites with stereotypical prejudices.
They’ve always been the same. They’ve always been rationalist ideologues, trying to tinker with the modernist machine in little ways here and there.
…I, in the name of Christ, want the entire liberal machine torn down. Every bit of it. The entire liberal religion scourged from the Earth. This will happen, although now, I expect it will be done by angels with trumpets instead of any human action.
I’m deeply ashamed for having been a party to this, even while, deep down, knowing the entire “movement, with all its profanity and sexual perversion and posting of pornography, etc., was animated by the very spirit of liberalism I’ve dedicated my life to opposing.
Where are the men who fight for the culture of the antebellum South? Where are the men who will defend my grandfather’s vision? Where are the people who will sing “Shall We Gather at the River” at the funerals of their fallen loved ones?
…they’re not to be found among the spiritually severed “dissident rightists” who care nothing for any spirits and want only to build machines.
God forgive me.