When I received the local newspaper and read the following headline:
“Rotary Club Remains Womanless: void raises credibility questions”
…I knew I had to respond.
A new district director of Rotary International was elected for our district – a black man named Gregg Browning. Diversity and equality followed, pushing themselves into to the lives of these, otherwise unassuming, good-ol-boy Rotarians. You see, the Rotarians have managed to bar all women from membership. This naturally drew Browning’s ire as well as the attention of liberal editorialists. In proving its case against the Rotarians, the paper cites sources who wish to remain anonymous for fear of “retribution.” What sort of “retribution” they fear was never mentioned. I can only assume, they’re afraid for their lives.
The following satire was the result. Our paper actually published it:
Lest anyone make light of the anonymous sources in last week’s article (concerning the womanless Rotary Club) I should point out that the Rotarians are known for their assassination plots. These sources were wise to keep their names undisclosed. Readers who disagree with Rotary Club decisions are obliged to take similar precautions.
I also urge them not to lose hope. With men like Rotarian District Governor Gregg Browning at the helm, all will soon be well.
Oh yes, he’s bringing the French Revolution to NC (whenever he can be bothered to visit). He will hunt down the last of the backwards members of our society and trample them out like an egalitarian boot in a serene puddle; all while carrying a flag with the words “Liberty, Equality, Fraternity” proudly displayed.
And unless we forget, the article (written by Mr. Starnes) informs us of other civic organizations that have failed to yield to contemporary whims and are in need of heroes like Mr. Browning. Though, a word of caution to the would-be champion of equality: beware the Optimist Club Killers! They’re just as crafty as the assassins employed by Rotarians!
I’m also sad to report that Mr. Starnes hasn’t been as diligent in his investigation as he might have been. I’ve found another organization in — that retains unjust discriminatory policies. My sources inform me (and I know for a fact this is more than rumor) that our very own — high school requires female students use separate restrooms than the males!
Neither Mr. Browning nor I (nor indeed, any enlightened individual who has a proper disdain for the Christian society of his ancestors) can allow this sort of thing to continue.
I demand to see a similar article in next week’s paper calling the credibility of (the highschool) into question and beyond that, I’d like to see the town erect a guillotine on the courthouse lawn in honor of Mr. Browning and the future he has in store for us.
…who only wishes to put “service” to Mr. Browning’s utopia above “self,“ which is the agenda of any true Rotarian.