My Darkest Musing Yet…


I’ve written before about my struggle with suicidal thoughts.

The struggle began around the time I left the military in search of a new life and a clear conscience.  I’ve yet to find either.  I should have stayed in the military formally working for Satan instead of working for him on the American plantation without any honor.

Whenever life brings these thoughts back to the surface, I’m reminded of Edmund Ruffin.  He was a rich plantation owner in Virginia who killed himself rather than live in a conquered south.

Can we condemn him too harshly?  Look at what southerners have had to do to survive.  They’ve had to transform their daughters into harlots and their sons into Yankees and jews.  Scarlett O’hara is a great example of a woman with petty vices, transformed into a monster.  James’ Basil Ransom in “Bostonians” is another example of a southern man who was forced to flee to New York and transform himself into a Yankee just to make a living.   To offer a real life example, the majority of the southern agrarians ended up leaving the south to work in northern universities.  I respect Ruffin more than all these characters.

And what does God care for our material circumstances?

The archetypical Christian is the vagrant or bum. They have no property or honor and are as humbled as men can possibly be.

God doesn’t care about property or honor (at least, not our property or our honor). He gave up all of His when He came to Earth.  He humiliated Himself on our behalf then washed our feet.  So, no, He doesn’t care about the petty dignities of His people. He fed the best of them to the lions, so what can the rest of us expect?

He certainly doesn’t care for material goods, the possession of which are only a hindrance.  We have no business expecting wealth or possessions. God has no problem letting His people die of starvation, plague, or persecution; so what right have we to pray for a meal?

Yes – the archetypical Christians are vagrants and bums.  Ruffin was too proud to be a Christian.

…am I?

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8 Responses to My Darkest Musing Yet…

  1. True Christians are just pilgrims passing thru this world. They are enroute to a far,far better place where they can serve God in love and joy unspeakable, full of glory than here in Satan’s Eden where there is nothing but pain, hate, debauchery, and filth. You cannot serve two masters. You either serve Satan or you serve God. There is no in between.

  2. Elle says:

    The thought of Ruffin’s full potential (already accomplished, he had more to offer) and post-war life is more interesting than entertaining romantic notions of his suicide. We are warned against foolishness and dying before our time. Since God cares nothing for the titles of the earth, where is the sense in idealizing a hierarchy where honors and medallions were often given to those who were Christian in name only?

    The monarchies of Europe and the political parties of today share much in common. The game has always been the same. Happiness is found outside of it, in it but not of it.

  3. Jacklyn Fear says:

    God only promised to supply our needs. – If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. 1 Tim 6:8

  4. Alan J. Perrick says:

    If you download Stormfront Radio from this Wednesday, you’ll hear “Roy” talking about the safety net that the U.S. has which allows people to take larger entreprenurial chances than if it weren’t there…Maybe listening to that programme will give you some encouragement, “Shotgun”.

    No, there’s nothing wrong with praying for a meal. Sometimes a good quality meal is really strengthening. Still, a Christian should temper his bodily desires with fasting as well. It helps balance things.

    Best regards,


  5. Ken says:

    Those thoughts are delivered into your head by a somewhat retarded looking baby faced little cherub who has deep seated wrinkle lines revealing an age older than any human, yet who displays tricky immature traits as he winks and delivers his trademark crooked smile.

    Don’t take it personally. He works on everyone, from that first moment of life after birth when he hit you with fear and frustration making your first sound a resounding cry all the way up until your last breath when he’s still trying to wrestle you away from God.

    He says that he’s “God of this World”, which is perhaps his title rather than one of his many names. He may show up and reveal his existence to you one day, particularly if you’re at a crossroads of discovering one of the branches of -let’s call it a Tree- of Knowledge. Must understand that this Knowledge is different from Truth, which comes from God.

    Know your enemy. Tell him to flee.

    2 Corinthians 4:4

    In whom the God of this world hath blinded the minds of them which beleeue not, lest the light of the glorious Gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine vnto them.


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